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You make me feel like dancing!
November 21 DID NORMAN ROCKWELL HURT OUR HOLIDAYS?Did Norman Rockwell hurt our holidays without even knowing it?
I do love this artist who brought to light our basic values, but have we gotten to the point that if we do not have that at home with loved ones, that we are not deserving of a holiday?
The very first Thanksgiving that I had to spend without my children was difficult. I grabbed my children before they left to go with their dad to say our grace. My dear little ones picked up on my grief. We were in the hallway near the door when their father arrived with his new wife (Kristie) Out of the blue my eldest Jennie, then age 11, said after a popular commercial, "It's Kristie's first holiday turkey. Not a word if it's dry." How did that wonderful child just know the exact thing to break the tension and leave me laughing?
I did continue on to spend Thanksgiving with my parents and some brothers. It was difficult, but my daughters words kept ringing in my ears. She will never know how much her well chosen words kept me going?
This year I am without family and I have grown accustom to not having that Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving. I am also passing that torch to Rich who is really having trouble this year with the holidays approaching. Thanksgiving, I will still have a grateful heart. All I have to do is scroll down this blog to see the gifts I have been granted. I invite you all to do the same with your own blogs.
Last year I was completly alone and survived. This year I will be in the company of a new to me family, my family at the nursing home, and be able to add more to my list of for what I am grateful.
I am grateful that I am not responsible for that perfect turkey with my home in perfect order. My landlady has even invited me to share Thanksgiving with her and her son. I will return to the nursing home to spend time with Rich and some other special residents. I was hoping that Rich and I could have gone to a resturant walking distance from the nursing home, but they will not be open. So the day will still contain some thanks from me.
But Jennie, I will still never forget, "It's Kristie's first holiday turkey. Not a word it it's dry."
XOXOX,
Duckie  November 20 I CANNOT BELIEVE MY BOYS PULLED THIS OFFI have come to realize that when I leave myself out of the equation, wonderful things happen.
I am talking about my boys at Embassy House. This is a very motley crew. I have made reference to the resident Ralph. Ralph is suffering with liver failure. Just picture someone with that crazy Jack Nicholson look in the eyes, but a dear heart. I believe he has spent time in prison. At one point over the winter he asked me if he could trust Rich. Of course I told him he could but I became aware of what "my boys" have lived through and they assume accountability.
Well my boys have noticed that Rich is very down as we tried to make Thanksgiving plans that just cannot work out. Add to this that Rich must have leaked my idea of our prom. This group of about ten men and one woman and even staff decided that Rich needed his prom now. Rich called me this morning asking for a visit, but he also felt something was up.
I arrived on the floor filled with balloons. I had no idea just what was going on. There was Rich at the door to his room standing and asking me to dance. "The boys" had a boom box playing "Make Someone Happy." I can never do justice as to the feelings that were going on between Rich and me and the other residents reaction.
Before I left, I found out that it was Ralph who initiated the dance. I left that nursing home spellbound. Thanks Ralphie.
XOXOXO
Duckie November 18 THIS ISN'T FUNNYSince I rent a room, I can go a number of days not bumping in to anyone as my privacy is respected.
Late yesterday afternoon I decided to surprise Rich with a visit. Well, the surprise was on me. I attempted to say hello to him and NOTHING came out of my mouth. I have a whopping case of laryngitis. I did not even have a sore throat, just an occasional cough. We are talking barely the sound of air. Oh the nursing home did get a laugh at my expense and I did laugh (air) along with them.
Today this is becoming so very unfunny. I woke with a killer throat and tried my best to call Anne as she and I had made plans which included my using her washer and dryer. Thank goodness she did not hang up on me and she also got a laugh. I never realized just how much talking I need to do during the day even living solo. My landlady, who now calls herself my roommate, has not as yet crossed my path.
Eleven years ago, I could not talk for about two months because my jaw was wired. I was living with my parents at the time and my father did enjoy watching me frustrated.
Today I actually had my hand on the phone to call my mother and then again to pay a bill over the phone. Nope, not happening. I guess my day will involve catching up on soap operas, or as my grandmother use to call them her "stories."
Have a great day and make a little noise for me.
XOXOXO,
Duckie November 13 IT'S IN STORAGE"It's in storage" is a term I find myself speaking way to often lately. With the exception of the clothes on my back and a box of files, that is all I have since this past spring. I repeated this sentence to Karin aka Grandma's Many Blessing as a response to her suggestion concerning the latest in up and coming walkers. Yes, I own one but it is in storage.
2009 seems to be the year that I am reinventing myself. I am finding that the original Duckie still holds fast to whom she really is. I am also find that I am abandoning some things that I thought to be true.
About a month ago while in conversation with my mother, I found myself saying in a non-complaining way "So much has been taken from me that I really have nothing to lose." Her response to me was, "Rather freeing, isn't it?" I answered her a hearty "YES." It was so nice to know that on some level my mom and I are on the same page.
I do not bring to much note to astrology, but I am a Taurus and we do resist sudden change. Each time in my life that I go through transition (facing divorce, facing empty nest, living alone) I go kicking and screaming.
This change is even in little things. It is the time of year for me to have a mammogram at a hospital in Boston. The former Duckie use to wear a pair of shoes that can only be described as "nun shoes." They are so very comfortable and lace up from the front. During this time of year I use to purchase some jingle bells to tie into the laces and always got a cheerful reaction from those around. This year..."They are in storage!" It is like there are some basic things that were in my life are now beyond reach. I have walked down another street and low and behold it is a good street, but there is some new territory.
My mother has used the term "Comfortable in her own skin" to describe my eldest daughter and she is right. This year I am comfortable in my own skin and I cannot say that I have always felt that way.
I have private messaged one of you that my life is not a box of kittens, but it is my life and I am content with that. My heart has been broken over being estranged from my family, more importantly my children. They are under the spell of my brother and I am saddened that they do not recognize that fact. I have done all I can and it is up to them to discern about just what is going on.
Soooo I will continue with two changes in outfits (It is amazing just how much we can simplify our needs,) I have a winter coat on order. The time is approaching as to just how much I should hang onto my old life and concentrate on the new one. I am getting more comfortable with this somewhat new life of mine and "some" of the old will have to go.
As I have written before, so much has been taken from me, but the me is still here. I have seen that so many of my space friends have gone through significant losses, but the me in them is still here. It does take so much work but it is worth it and everyday so many of you do truly amaze me. There is a lot of "We are in this together" going on here in spaces.
Again, I do thank your for your support, especially over the past year. May I add, "YOU ROCK?"
Goodnight, my angels.
Duckie November 11 WOE...HOW CAN I SLOW THINGS DOWN.....My world has become more and more overwhelming, this past week. There are days that I can get away with not really showing up for my life. I am not quite sure just where to begin. As my mother would quote the name of a movie, "Stop the World, I Want To Get Off."
I am presently renting a room from a woman in a town where I would like to live. Her name is Fran, and she also rents to two men. We are all pretty quiet especially with one of men working the late night shift. These are all good people.
When I first landed here in September, I noted the lock box on the front door that Realtors use when the house is for sale. In the meantime I am looking for an apartment under Senior Housing. I can be bumped up on a waiting list if I show proof that my son was in the Marines, which Brian did send me and /or if I can show emergency. I am not sure how to define "emergency."
I am more than disappointed that Fran herself did not tell me or the young man to whom she rented just recently that the house is on the market I am keeping my cool as I have noted in the newspaper that there are other rooms to rent.
On top of all this my gait is acting up so I do not tend to some things that do need tending to. That neuropathy is frightening to me, Yes I know I made through teaching a week and a half ago. I honestly do not feel that my teaching brought on this setback. I have entered counseling with a man that counseled me around the time my dad died. I made it to my counseling this evening and this counselor did note my struggle both physically or emotionally, but put the emphasis on the physical. He was so very concerned by a number of things including falling and has instructed me to contact the nursing home as he believes that I should be back under their care for a time with this neuropathy. Damn this condition!!
When I returned here tonight, Fran was in the kitchen and I told her that the showing of her home seemed promising to me. We were talking in the kitchen about her whole situation. She wants to live in a home a bit further west of here for the sake of her commute. Seemingly out of nowhere she said, "Oh Eileen, come with me when I move." My jaw just dropped at her invite.
Is anyone but I seeing how much continues to get put on my plate. In the back of my head, I think I know that I can get through this but..........Did you just want to yell to the heavens, "I have had enough of this!!!"
Okay my wonderful problem busters, what do I do now. It does get close to frightening when even your counselor appears to be hyperventilating and using terms like homeless and homeless shelter. It is not all bad news, but I am at a very prominent fork in the road called MY LIFE.
XOXOXO,
Duckie November 09 MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE??I have been checking in on Rich as to how he is progressing with his physical therapy and believe it or not he is showing progress. Last February he could not get Medicare approval for his therapy as they felt his goals were not attainable. Oh, just let me face that comittee. Do not EVER take away someone's hope.
I have done a sort of mock "prom thing" with Rich. Yes, he and I will have a prom early spring at the nursing home's gym. I have asked him and he has accepted.
In his day he was quite the dancer and last winter, he just wanted so much to dance with me.
How can I put this? With this person I simply feel cherished. I never had that feeling in my marriage, nor did I ever have it with anyone I ever dated when my marriage was over. If I ever put up his picture, I know none of you would understand our being "an item."
He has lung cancer and not sure of his future, but for whatever reason I am in it. No one is playing games. I just feel blessed.
But I may simply say, "May I have this dance" and there he will be at least for today.
Duckie November 02 I WON'T PUT YOU THROUGH THIS AGAIN (MAYBE)In the wee hours of the morning...suddenly the phone wrang. Yes, Duckie was called upon to substitute teach. Duckie thought she was up to it as over the weekend she was in a funk so she had plenty of sleep. She was called upon to teach, (and this is amazing) ...MATH!!!!!!!! YES!!!
Now let me set the stage. At the end of my senior year of college as a math major we had to take comprehensive exams in our subject. I chose the opt to have one hour of these exams as an oral exam. What was I thinking? Talk myself in math language before a team of math professors? Yep, and I had a ball. (hmm, clue that duckie is a sick mallard) The burning task put to me was..."Prove that the square root of 3 is irrational." I carried on as a mad woman repeating and repeating myself as someone would if they were irrational. (Again sorry...math humor) Needless to say I passed and let loose on the real world. The rest is history.
Today I had a class that the subject was math and the deal was irrational fractions. Sweet!!!
Any teacher worth her sweat knows that the so called intercom has a reverse feature, so anyone in the office could hear my lesson and it was a scream (maybe only to me). When we as a class would get to the repetitive answer I had the children as a class announce in a tone from "The King and I,"..................."et cetera, et cetera, et cetara..." I'm sorry, I just plain had fun as did my classes.
This is what my physical therapist told me that I would never have the strength to do....teach. Near the end of my day, my legs were calling to me "Mercy. Mercy. Mercy," but I did it!!!!!!!!! I did not even go straight home. Instead I went to the shore. I walked the shore and the ocean was windy so the surf was something to behold. Very quietly I was pridledged to be enveloped by a rainbow. What a way to close my day.
I am still sitting here singing "I can't believe I did it, I did it, but indeed I did.
 I do hope that you are all doing well and maybe some sheer joy has come your way.
XOXOXO,
Duckie
October 28 I'M AGHAST!!!As I have been a loyal Sesame Street fan since the 70s when my children began to view it, I remember Bert saying to Ernie, "I'm aghast!" And Ernie replies, "No you're not. You live here." Sorry, that just tickles me
I woke up this morning and sort of declared it "Be Nice To Duckie Day." However, once again I had a "I can't get out of my own way" day. I did accomplish a lot of what I attempted, but I felt the combination of dark skies and all that goes with it nipping at my heals. I returned here (home?) soaked from head to toe as I refused to dress for the weather. This morning, when it was not raining, my landlady suggested to me that I was not dressed warm enough and I needed a hood or an umbrella. My stubbornness showed as I told her that my mother lived a few towns over ~ a sort of "You are not the boss of me." (My, my Duckie, you have 'real stinker' possibilities today.) I attempted to sneak back in here this evening and stay out of her eye shot, which off course I could not pull off. I just looked at her sheepishly and said, "I hate when someone else is right."
As I needed some good old fashioned mothering tonight, I called my mother. I have mentioned in another post that our family home sold before it was even put on the market late September. I was so relieved for Mom, feeling that my dad must have put in a good word on her behalf with her "boss."
She had a doctor's appointment today that one of my brothers took her to. They had to pass the old homestead to get from the pharmacy to her assisted living. Now, are you ready for this one? Our family home was leveled, leaving only the garage. She was chuckling over the phone as she heard me at a loss for words. She did fear that I would be saddened by the news. No, I was not sad. I'm aghast. I WAS ANGRY!!! There were rooms in that home that in order to keep myself busy in '97, during the time of my dad's cancer surgery, I stenciled some walls! Stenciling takes some time and can be quite tedious. There are also many touches to that home done by my brothers. This home was well maintained and surrounded a great deal of love. I have 2 friends, neither who know each other, who remarked about that home having an "aura" so to speak, of love and safety.
Even though my fingers are flying here over this keyboard, my jaw is still dropped. It's a good thing that I grabbed that pastel that I made for my dad to give to Rich. If I had not grabbed it, it too would have been leveled.
I know. I know. Duckie, just deal with this and get on with it. I found myself repeating to Mom, words I have spoken during physical therapy this year. "My life will still have meaning" with that home no longer in existence.
I hope you all have had a wonderful day. If you have not, will your life still have meaning in spite of anything that did not float your boat?
On the lighter side, and you know there always is one....
My cell phone seemed to give up the ghost last Wednesday. Short of slamming it against the wall, I took it over to Radio Shack. This too brilliant for words salesman, taught me the fine art of turning it on!!! I would have loved to get a copy of something like security film of the two of us at that moment. Just picture me trying CRAWL on my hands and knees with my head low to the floor, in the direction of the exit. I just know he will tell his wifey this one.
XOXOXO,
Duckie October 21 MY IDEA OF LONG TERM PLANNING..My idea of long term planning is making reservations for lunch.
A dear friend and I shared these words as we both have come to the understanding that we are both "in the moment" people.
It does not imply that we are irresponsible, we just seem to know more than some that this life is not a dress rehearsal but it is the real deal.
I come from a family that has a great need to be in control. If I believe that if any of them had lived my life over the past year they would surely have perished. I am still trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together, but in the meantime I am most definitely living in the moment.
The Beatles sang the words, "Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans."
I did get to see Rich today and then took myself to supper. Now I could have put options on my plate as to how I solve my housing problem, or how to attempt the problem with my family. Instead, I thoroughly enjoyed my meal and engaged in slight chit chat with my waitress. If I had been trying to brainstorm during my time in that restaurant, I would not even to be able to tell you what she looked like.
At the end of my meal, this waitress came to me with the check and I told her one of my own waitress disasters. This waitress sat down with my permission to do so and she talked about how today in particular was discouraging for her. She just needed to hear "I know your pain, sister friend. Her "performance" did not affect my tip.
I am not posting about tipping of our unsung waitresses. It is more like giving all of your time and energy into whatever moment you find yourself. This lovely waitress told me that she was having a horrible day until..... I walked in. Wow, what a compliment. It is amazing to me how much we can effect each without ever knowing.
I hated it when as a young mother I would get a call from another mother who was screaming her head off at her kids. I would be screaming inside, "Hang up that phone and tend to your children." On the flip side, I made it clear to my children early on that the phone was not my lame fashion statement for what's new in earrings. These children also knew that if one of them was bloodied after a fall, it's okay to interrupt.
Gee... I am not sure that I have made my point here. To some personalities this is making perfect sense and to others it ranks up with reading Greek.
Goodnight, my angels,
Duckie
October 16 I HAVE MADE NO SECRET OF THISI have made no secret that there is something about cell phones that makes me looney tunes. I do own one, but have not set up a voice mail on it. I justified this as I have pre paid minutes and have had them all but used up by someone leaving a more than wordy message. Over the past two days my doctor has been trying to get in touch with me, only not to have me answer. I did tell him that if the phone goes off in the car, I do not answer as I do not feel safe driving and talking on the phone. I am thinking "Good for you, Eileen." I just met with this docotor and he is pulling his hair out over my not answering my phone and no voice mail being set up. I tried to plead my case, but he is not bying it.
I must further confess that I do not have any idea even how to set up a voice mail on this darn cell. Rich has been after me for months to let him do this for me. I am stubborn so I keep refusing Rich over this cell. Today my doctor, whom I do like very much wrote me a script to "Get to Rich and have him help me set up a voice mail." That now means this stubborn woman has to get to the nursing home and actually admit to Rich that Duckie was wrong. There seems to be alot of Duckie is wrong these days. I hope my heart can take the jolt.
Medical professionals are even calling my friend Anne with a message for me. Anne in turn is emailing me my messages. I never thought of myself as high maintainence or hard to get along with, but.....I WAS WRONG.
Now Eileen who lives a very small life needs a private secretary.
My doctor also gave me my very first stop smoking speach. I did take it all in. I had tried while in the nursing home but things got too wacky in that environment so I returned to smoking about a pack over two weeks. Now even that small amount must go. Okay, I can do this.
I have to get my day moving, so time to rock and roll.
XOXOXO,
Duckie October 15 WE NEVER SEEM TO KNOW OUR OWN STRENGTHWe never really know just how much strength we possess, until we are called upon to use it.
I am looking at this past year and am amazed that I am still here to write about it. Last December I was admitted to a nursing home with neuropathy. I was told by the admitting hospital that I would never be able to walk again. I entered the nursing home without shoes and a winter jacket and faced physical therapy. They were the first ones to give me hope. Landlord from hell sent certified letter to the nursing home that I had 30 days to move out. I had no place to go, so I put everything into storage and continued my physical therapy. Today I am walking. I finally got to see my primary doctor this morning, whom I had not seen since a year ago May. He was in shock in a good way as to how I was. I did request that he nail his shoes to the floor as his moving from a nearby town into Boston did make my getting to him more difficult. This doctor and I have always been on the same page. Once one has that type of a relationship, it is difficult to communicate with someone else.
I am now faced with the dilemma of getting some/any apartment or wait, continuing to rent a room by the week until my name pops up on a waiting list for senior housing which could take up to a year. I am choosing to wait for senior housing and continue with my nomad impression. Even at the hospital where my primary has moved his practice, I was able to network concerning senior housing. I am relieved that my shyness from when I was younger is no more. I am speaking up wherever I go and picking any one's brain. Even the clerk at the pharmacy shared me a route to explore towards housing.
I never would have considered that waiting game a few years ago. Today I know how much has been taken from me and the me is still here. I also found out that since my son was in the Marines, that by itself will bump me up on the waiting list.
I am also aware that there is just so much I can do. After seeing the doctor in Boston and a quick stop at the pharmacy, I am pretty much done for today. Not that I need sleep but need to just be quiet and read. Should an emergency arise as if my mother took ill, I would have the physical and emotional strength to be there for her.
So many of us have too much on our plates and we crumble. The trick for me is to just handle one piece on my plate at a time. Yes, there are days that I am forced to multitask and I can do it.
We were not granted the gift of life only to be overwhelmed by it.
I told my doctor today that my physical therapist told me that I would never teach in a classroom and that my reaction was "Watch me!" My doctor laughed and he also believes I will do it. My teaching will be limited to substitute teaching. The beauty of teaching that way is if you are called in the wee hours of the morning and are just plain not up to it, all you have to say is "I'm not available today." No one is sent to your bedroom to beat you up because you can not teach on a particular day. Teaching has always been my passion and I am not ready to give up that part of my life.
I think I am asking you to take strength in what you have already handled in your past. Make a list. You are in for a great surprise. As we say, "Who knew?"
My book is calling to me, so time for me to rock and roll.
XOXOXO,
Duckie
October 13 JUST WHEN I GOT IT ALL TOGETHERA very good friend of mine, years ago use to say "Just when I got it all together, I forgot where I put it." Doesn't that just say it all? We finally figure out the old math and what happens?? NEW MATH!! Drat!!!
Here I am thinking I know the system, especially housing, and guess what? I was wrong. I know last February, one had to be 63 to be eligible for senior housing. I know this may be difficult and disconcerting for some of you to believe but....I WAS WRONG! (The horror)
I moseyed to the town hall today and found out that I am eligible for senior housing. To top it off I may be technically considered as homeless to push me up on the waiting list. I never sued that "Landlord From Hell" last February and as luck would have it he has not moved and has rented to someone else. ~ Sweet.
I never did believe in that expression "What goes around, comes around" but I am seeing that it does. I am not a vendictive person, but I would like to see that landlord squirm. Here, where I am renting a room since September 13, my new landlady has just put this house on the market. I am beginning to feel like I have a "Kick Me" sign on me.
I took on my health insurance company just yesterday and as luck would have it........I won out. So I guess there is still some joy in Mudville.
This is a classic "Stick to your guns" deal.
I did get a chance to visit with my mother and wait till you hear this one. The home that she left to enter assisted living sold for cash before it was even put on the market. I held her face in my hands and said, "Boy is Dad looking out for the love of his life." Gives me goose bumps.
I also got a chance, after being on my fact finding mission today, to visit Rich. He is doing so well and giving all he has to physical therapy. Oh my gosh!!! What if he gets well enough to dance? GULP. I may have to put my money where my mouth is.
I hope all of you "have it all together." If not, I hope you find your way no matter how round about the direction you have to travel.
XOXOXO,
Duckie October 06 AND I ALMOST MADE A CLEAN GET AWAYToday I went through what I consider for me a perfect day. I could almost feel the wind at my back.
I took care of some cruddy banking business first off but did not let it overshadow my day. I went to the nursing home to surprise Rich. For some reason I do feel like the den mother on that floor, but I also felt like any goodness that I have ever put out to the universe in my lifetime was coming back to me a hundred fold.
Rich introduced me to his newest roommate as his "girlfriend." For whatever reason, I chose then to bring Rich to task. I asked Rich to refer to me as his lady friend, not his girlfriend. Girlfriend sounds so high school to me. The new roommate was gracious but out of the side of his mouth said to Rich "Oh ya, she's a girlfriend." and instantly I saw my bossy side.
I left the nursing home in time to take myself out to dinner overlooking a golf course as they played my favorite Perry Como song, thinking does it ever get any better than this? I was just 5 minutes from home when I blew a tire. I called AAA and they did send someone out to change the tire, but I found myself apologising for the over full trunk as I still feel like a nomad.
I had to call Rich as he wanted me to call when I got home and getting home was being delayed. Again, we were both laughing as I said I almost had a clean get away in having a perfect day until the tire blew. Then I realised, that it was a perfect day for me. For whatever reason, I have been wired that any day with laughter is a perfect day...at least for me.
Wishing you all that perfect day.
XOXOXO,
Duckie October 05 TIME FOR ANOTHER WINK AND A SMILEI do understand that we get concerned when someone who usually posts on a regular basis seems to have fallen off the map.
Believe me when I say, "I AM FINE!" I still have the physical and emotional health to have been able to pull myself out of the system. I am renting a room in the town where I hope to find that apartment with a "This is a duckie place." on the welcome mat. I have not had internet access until tonight and number one on my "to do" list is to reassure you my network friends. I have missed you and I do need to visit you all to catch up as to what has been going on with you.
I sense that some of you have not been posting on your usual schedule. I think that happens when our real day to day life requires more face to face meetings for personal business reasons as that is what has happened with me.
My mother's birthday is Wednesday and it is important to me for me to see her, sit and have tea with her and to hug and wish her a happy birthday.
I spent most of my day with my friend Anne and we are still completing each others sentences.
Autumn here in New England is so breath taking. I do hope that wherever you are, there is something to take your breath away.
XOXOXO,
Duckie September 08 AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMINGGee, I thought I had nothing to write about. I remained somewhat closed mouthed about the conditions of where I am as in sweltering heat, not enough food, and the odd personality of the other residents.
Two days after I arrived here the owner had me write her a check equal to my disability amount, which I did. Yesterday she was sniffing around for more which I could not figure out as I have not even been here a month and of course my checkbook was stolen here.
Today she was in contact with the social security office and finally got through. They told her that I do get disability but I do not get SSI for the reason that I received alimony. Her nurse was told all of this when I was interviewed at the nursing home. Well someone like her and probably social services from Embassy House did not do their homework. So I am out by the 13th of this month or she wants thousands of monies from my pocket.
I have called Embassy House and they are doing some digging. I think in the back of my head I just knew something like this was going to happen.
On top of all of this, they have played such games with some of my medications, I have been quite ill since Wednesday.
These rest homes need to put under the microscope in a big way. This one here is like a warehouse and it literally turnes my stomach.
Tomorrow I will be contacting someone legally over all of this. I have mentioned before how much I hate this system. I have become more ill since I arrived on August 13th.
Please keep me in prayer.
XOXOXO
Duckie  September 02 FEET DON'T FAIL ME NOWI know for certain that it is time for me to get that dream apartment, hopefully near the shore.
I went to visit with my mother yesterday and really did have a good visit. I brought two sinful deserts and a plant. I caught her just as she was finishing lunch. She was pushing her walker and looked oh so weary. For whatever reason her assisted living apartment looked exactly as I imagined it. It is lovely. While I was with her another resident came to the door. She was a lovely woman who was questioning cleaning/laundry service. She seemed to have all her marbles, but as my mother tried to joke with her, this lovely woman just did not seem to get the humor. I know my mother misses the humor from my father. I could see it in her face.
After the woman left we dove into the desert. I was sitting across a small table from her remembering how we always had tea and a chat after I would return from high school. She spoke with me about things she is now giving away to family members. She has this large antique chest that my daughter Kate was interested in. She gave Kate permission to have it. The chest contained some linens but also some love letters to my mother from my father during WWII. So much of my dad's writings were cut out for security reasons. I am thinking now that I would love to see those letters. I am thrilled that my mom got to see them again. My father fell in love with my mother from the time they met. So much of my mother's life seems to be coming full circle. I could sense that she was winding down after a time and left knowing that I will be able to see her again soon.
During my visit with my mom, I mentioned a pastel that I had done for my dad years ago that he loved and hung in the living room. No one would ever want that pastel and I asked her if I could take it to give to Rich. Of course she said yes. I went to her home and took the picture and drove to the nursing home to give it to Rich as I just knew that he would appreciate and love it. For the first time I did not get lost getting to that nursing home. TAA!! DAA!!
Having my car at this rest home is the only thing that is keeping me sane. The owner of this place was here today. I had quite a headache this morning and took some medicine. Hours later I went to a meeting and was pretty sick to the point of leaving early. When I returned, the owner had words with me. Either give up the migraine medicine or give up the car. I was stunned. My answer was, "Take the medicine." If I give up my car, I believe my spirit will suffer. I am contacting anyone with ears to help me find that one bedroom apartment (err) near the shore. It is out there and it is calling my name. I have done as much as I can to strengthen my legs and I have gone as far as I can. I am far enough along to live on my own.
I have two space friends in my state who I am certain will help me out. It is time for me to take my life back. My boys at Embassy House are on the alert. It really is "Feet don't fail me now." I am looking at October 1st to be back on my own. I know how to pace myself. If I remain in this system much longer a part if me will die.
Okay. So it is get on your knees time.
Now, play nice. LOL
XOXOXO,
Duckie August 31 WE GO WHERE THERE IS LOVEI have made reference to this Jane Oliver song before. The song begins with the words, "We have old friends. Some are memories. And they come and tap us on the shoulder. And they take us to the places that we miss and remember with a smile. We go where there is love, whenever we are lonely. And going back we find, enough love stayed behind, to make us feel at home."
Yesterday I drove myself to my hometown, where a Mass was being said for my father on the second anniversary of his death. I arrived at the church early to give myself time to get lost, which I did not. As I was first approaching the church steps, the first person I saw was my mother with my youngest brother and sister-in-law. I have not seen my mom since last February. Again I was taken back by how she looks. Her mind is bright, but her body is reminding her that she is soon to be 89. I was holding back my tears as I kissed and hugged her. She confessed to me later, that she just knew she had to make it through that anniversary.
My mother sat in front with her walker and I took the seat beside her along with young John and his wife. Behind me were the rest of the 4 out of 5 brothers. My brothers and I were polite to each other and I did not expect more than that. As people file up to communion they have to return to their seats by passing in front of our front row. I looked up and saw my eldest daughter, Jen with her husband. She turned her head in my direction and I took her hand. Then I saw my third daughter, Emily with my grandchild Libby. Emily and I also grabbed hands.
After church we all went to lunch. Jen had to decline as she had a business picnic to go to. At lunch, I was again seated next to my mother. Emily and Libby were at the other end of the table. My brothers were all enjoying each other's company as they always do. My brother John got up to take my mother home and I quietly waited for the crowd to thin out. Libby was taking her sweet time eating her ice cream and I was finally able to make my way to just Emily and Libby.
I will not go into details, but Emily and her family have had a most difficult year. Emily and I had a mother daughter talk and I told her how proud I was of how she was seemingly holding things together. I do not think that Libby even knows who I am, but that's okay she will slowly find out in its time. Emily and Libby had to hit the road to return to CT to her husband and little Gracie. She also begins a new job today so not a good time to get overtired.
I hit the road ready to return to this rest home when I bit of reality came to me. I did not have to be back there until 10PM. I had a car full of gas. Hmmm I drove myself to the nursing home to see Rich. I did not call him to tell him I was coming. I had not even told him I had my car back. I pull up to find Rich sitting on the front porch with two other residents. He was completely bowled over to see me. We sat in non-stop conversation for about a half hour and he needed to return to his room for something. I returned to that 4th floor and received such a welcome. About 5 of these men are like brothers to me. Rich had kept them up to date on the conditions here and the theft of my money and checkbook. They were just all so protective. Even crazy wheelchair bound Ralphie pulled me aside to say, "If you need anything and I mean anything we will get to you." And you know what? They would. Some were begging me to return there. I had to explain to them that my next step would be getting my own apartment, but that I would visit when I could.
I returned to the road before it got dark as I am still not that comfortable with these new sets of roads. I made it to about 5 miles of this place and run into a detour and also had sun in my eyes. I just said a quick prayer to my dad and found that I did land on the correct street.
When I walked through the door here, the same old same old started up here. My blood pressure was taken and it was pretty high. I told the staff person to blame that detour as I did have a good day.
As I went to bed, I called my mother just to say goodnight.
My point here is that there is love out there. Some of it comes in expected places, but some of it comes in unexpected places. My boys from Embassy House have my back. I got the chance to talk to a daughter that has been very much on my mind as an unexpected surprise. I also got the chance to see and talk to my mother and of course got to listen to my brother Dennis who is just a sheer delight.
All in all, it was a very good day and my heart is full of gratitude.
Have a duckie day.
XOXOXO,
Duckie August 28 I AM REALLY AT THE END OF MY ROPEAnne was expected at noon today so I could get my car from her. Sounds like an upbeat day doesn't it? This morning I was dressed, even curled my hair and decided to go through my wallet as we were planning on going to lunch. Much to my dismay over $100 was missing from my wallet and my checkbook was missing. It is like "Here we go again." as my master/debit was stolen from me in the nursing home and used last December over $5,000 worth as my checking account held money that I had saved for my income taxes. As soon as I got to this rest home, I noticed that I had once again a lock box with no key. I have brought the subject up everyday, even to the owners. I even put it in writing.
Anne and I did have a lovely lunch, but spent most of the day dealing with the bank. I HAVE HAD IT!!!!!!!!! For me to close the account would really mess things up with my direct deposits and I do not want to deal with my ex yet again. There is no security in hospitals, nursing homes and rest homes. The awful thing is that these places really do not think it is a problem and accept no liability. This is just outrageous to me. I remember when I was in the hospital in Boston this past March. I had to fill out some form. There was a question...."What upsets you the most?" My answer was "Not being heard." I am speaking up more than I have ever had in my life, but I feel like I keep geting dismissed. Needless to say, I am seeing red.
I was successful in getting my car here so I can go to my father's anniversary Mass on Sunday. After that it is going to be apartment hunting and possibly using a home health aid to check in on me from time to time. I do not expect any help from my family, but Anne is behind me 100% in my search to that apartment that is out there just waiting for me.
For tonight, I just want to scream and hit something.
This too shall pass, but how many times do I have to get kicked in the teeth.
Now you, my friends, play nice.
XOXOXO,
Duckie August 27 THIS STILL HAS ME LAUGHINGThings were getting a little too tense at the rest home. I mean I just knew someone or something was about to erupt. Come close to dinner time I told the staff member here what I was blowing this joint and walking to Friendly's for supper. It is quite a walk but I made it to the land of the living.
In came this mother with two cute little ones. She was trying to prepare them that school starts on Tuesday...sort of "The Party's Over" kind of thing. They could order anything their little hearts' desired. The little boy was about 7 and he was fully prepared to order everything on that menu. The little girl was 5 and not buying this idea of going to school. These children were well behaved and just too cute.
About halfway through this meal from heaven, the girl announces that she is not old enough to go to school. Yep, she had no recollection of ever being age 2. That was her story and she was sticking to it. The remainder of their meal contained first the mother and then the brother trying to refresh her memory of being age 2. It was a scream. From my earshot, her second year sounded pretty good to me. She never got belligerent or nasty but she was not buying the story that she was ever two.
During my walk home I gave her points for sticking to her story and for her creativness. That was certainly a new one on me.
We finally have a break from our horrible hot and humid weather today. So I was able to put Duckie's evil twin away.
Tomorrow I get my car back from Anne. I'd say that's a little closer to normalcy.
Good night, my angels.
 XOXOXO,
Duckie August 23 IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEARDon't you just love that back to school commercial for Staples? Every year without fail, it cracks me up. The little darlings will soon be going back to school.
My thoughts did wander back to the absolute best summer I had with my four children. My mother was sitting with me in the back yard as the school bus delivered the children in our neighborhood in June of '82. Only two of my four children were of school age, but we had a neighborhood chuck full of children and the school bus was full of racket. I believe my mother saw as I may have lost some color as I took a deep breath thinking, "Here we go."
Many mothers in that neighborhood did work and back then it was up to the older siblings to look out for the younger ones. I may have been the only at home mom. I believe I was referred to as "the kool-aide mom." My Brian was the youngest at age two. Most of the children were of elementary school age and a few were in high school. It could have turned into mayhem wallapalooza. Something just came over me at that moment and I sort of gave myself a little pep talk. "If you can't beat them, join them." I was a teacher, for crying out loud and I did love children.
My yard had the swing set and the sandbox. The toys in my house were out and not neatly put away in a toy box. One of Emily's friends age 4 use to say to her mother that Emily's house was more funner. The neighborhood children were not looking to me for lunch.
There was a high school freshman,Timmy, who wanted to put of the play "Annie" to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy at the end of the summer. These children were all pretty committed to this. Emily was the youngest in the play with the part of Sandy the dog. They rehearsed this play in the Timmy's back yard.
By August, the stress and strain of putting on this play was getting to them. Timmy along with my babysitter came to my kitchen table in tears that all was not going well. I think they were getting to the point of a lot of in fighting. I had stayed out of it as I wanted it to be their accomplishment. I walked down to Timmy's to view some pretty upset and crying children. I watched what they had and believe me, they were pretty good. They knew their lines and sang their sweet little hearts out.
The only thing they lacked was organization. No one seemed to know the exact moment they were suppose to be on stage or in the back yard stage. I'm sure that they were also sick of hearing Timmy yelling in frustration.
I sat them all down. There had to be at least 15 of them. I told them how great they were and what they were lacking, could be easily fixed. Oh, there was a collective sigh of relief. I simply showed Timmy and some of the other older children how to use huge paper and write out each scene and the names of those who needed to be on that stage. Timmy kind of whacked his head in a "I could have had a V-8" motion. All we needed was one who could be responsible for tending to that list and get those children where they needed to be. I took on that task for just a couple of days to show them how to do it. Ya, I had to tell show them that one could not say, "Hey stupid, get on that stage." After that, I left them on their own. If they needed me again, I would have come, but they were fine.
The day of the show, all of the parents took time off from work to watch and support those children. They were great!!!! And funny???? When the show ended these children gave me a lovely bunch of flowers. I really did not know how much money they raised, but I was truly proud of all of them.
I did not feel put upon that summer. I was fortunate that I did not have to work that summer and could just roll with the flow.
HOWEVER.....................When that school bus did finally show for their first day of school, I may have done a little happy dance.
These days, it is not the mommies who have the children, but more likely the grandmothers.
It truly is "the most wonderful time of the year." I believe that even the children are happy to return to school.
XOXOXO,
Duckie August 18 GOSH THIS IS HARDI am so trying to stay upbeat. What I wrote in my previous post is true. I have more freedom but my fellow residents are difficult as so many seem to have psyc issues and there is no AC!!!
Many of the residents do go to a day senior program weekdays from 9AM to 2:30Pm which does give me a break. After 2:20PM I do hibernate to my room.
When Rich's daughter drove me here last Thursday, she was in tears leaving me here as the property is not kept up. I can only compare it to having a slum landlord. It is a couple that owns this place. If the state really knew the condition of this place, I do not know what the results would be. I hate hate hate, being in this system.
However...............I did meet with the Mrs Owner yesterday and she will allow me to have my car on site. YES!!!!!!!!!! I just want to be able to visit my mother from time to time and (wait till you hear this) be able to tutor some students in this town at the library. It is not the money that I am after, but just the idea of keeping my grey matter active.
Tomorrow I am to see an eye doctor, but have to walk over two miles to get there. I WILL do it as I am still determined to return to a sense or normalcy.
I am already making noises as to "Jeepers, cut the lawn or I will do it." And let us add, "Pick up the trash in the yard. All it takes is a trash barrel.
My walker and cane are in storage. Figures. I know I sound ticked, but I really do see a way through this. I know for certain that for now, I could not survive on my own. But that is just for now. I am fighting with all I have and I will get there.
As in the Nursing Home, the men seem more together than the women. Here we are loaded with women. I am over trying to fix anyone.
I do hope that where ever you are, that you are staying cool.
When I close my eyes tonight, you are all in my prayers. If you yourself do pray, please put in a good word for me.
Now..............Play nice.
XOXOXO,
Duckie August 14 THE EAGLE HAS LANDEDI arrived at my latest Pitt Stop yesterday in the direction of getting my life back. I am now in a Rest Home that gives less nursing care than a Nursing Home but more independence and STAIRES(!!!). There are less restrictions and a whole new cast of characters.
This morning I watched the funeral of Eunice Kennedy Shriver which, as a Catholic Bostonian, touched my heart. Eunice was indeed a powerful force. Somehow it hit me that the funeral, such as the readings and music would be what my own mother would want.
I remember as a senior in an all girls Catholic high school, listening to Sargent Shriver talking to us about the Peace Corps. I really did consider the Peace Corps for myself through college. Here in this state we see and hear so much that we just take for granted sometimes.
I ventured out on a walk today that more than proved to me that it really is difficult for me with this darn neuropathy. I walked about two miles and was nearly on my hands and knees on my way back here. I no longer have the luxury of elevators in the Nursing Home, so I am more aware of how much I have to conquer. I WILL DO IT!!!
For now the good news is that I do not have a roommate and a lovely room. I do not have a bedside phone and the darn cell keeps dropping calls. Maybe I have to use it outside. I'll live. LOL
Breakfast at 7AM and dressed for the day... What??!! Yes, I can do that as these residents seem to call it a night earlier than at the Nursing Home. I just need the time to build up my stamina. I will fight this with all I have.
Once again, I am not allowed to park my car here. I mentioned to one of the nurses today that the 30th of this month is the second anniversary of my father's death. At the Nursing home, I could receive no transportation. The nurse here felt that here the owner herself would take me to that memorial Mass for my dad. That would mean the world to me. Last year I could not attend as I could barely walk and was too proud to ask for help. Gee, what a difference a year makes.
I hope that wherever you have landed tonight, that it is a good place. If it is not, I hope that it is on a journey to a good place.
XOXOXO,
Duckie August 08 HAPPY MEMORIES OF GOING TO IRELAND WITH MY MOMIn 1984, my mom and dad though it would be a great idea if my mom and I went on a trip to Ireland together. She was living outside of Boston and I had just moved outside of Hartford CT with my family. My dad was willing to pay for the trip and I sold my above ground pool that only served to attract dead squirrels, and used that money as spending money and to bring home gifts from this emerald isle.
We left from Logan Airport around midnight. My mother and I were separated on the long flight over. I sat with this twenty something girl who was so very excited. As a result, she was chatty the entire trip, so I got no sleep.
My mom and I were on a bus tour as it was a safe way for two women to travel alone. We had the coolest bus driver full of music and just the greatest stories. I remember the long, and I do mean long, bus ride from Shannon Airport to Killarney. I took the aisle seat on the bus but was so tired, my mother had to keep pulling me up by my clothes to keep me from falling into the aisle in a dead sleep.
We pretty much stayed with the tour, but one day we did opt out. It happened to be a bank holiday and the boys from Dublin, "the Dubs," were on the streets everywhere. Mom and I went to a pub for lunch. I couldn't believe it. There were actually babies crawling on the floor. In Ireland, children are everywhere. As mom and I were walking back to the motel from the pub in the middle of the afternoon, we come across a few of "The Dubs." They looked like they were ready for trouble. I must tell you that my mother was raised in the Bronx. She is oh so lady like, but do not mess with her. As these guys got closer to us, she gave the biggest, meanest "Mother Look" in her arsenal. Those tough guys retreated to the other side of the street. "You go, Mom!!!!"
If memory serves, we may have been in Ireland for about ten days. Mom was so wonderful to travel with. I believe she had more energy than I.
Eventually I picked up a brogue. Oh ya, people were asking me for directions.
We did have a day when our bus was hit with a huge hay stack that shattered the front windshield of the bus. Okay what now? Just up the road a stretch there was a restaurant where our driver could call for help and we could use the rest rooms and get some refreshments. There was just one teeny, tiny little problem. There was a wedding reception going on!! The bride just took it in stride and the men on our tour were more than happy to buy a round for anyone who had acquired a thirst. So help me, I could not help laughing as I passed the roll of toilet paper under the stall to the bride.
I have lost all of my pictures as around the time my dad died my children wanted every picture I owned to make a sort of collage for his wake and I never got them back. I do however have a framed picture of my mother and I sitting on a wall in front a beautiful field. In the picture, I have one hand outstretched as if to say "Taa Daa!"
One evening we went to yet another pub where there was an Irish tenor singing with a small band. I was in my glory. At one point, the tenor pulled me up on the stage to sing "Oh Danny Boy" with him. Yep, Mom had her camera poised.
Then came the time to visit the Blarney Stone. You have to climb up a ton of staires to reach the stone. Some bloke has you lie on you back and tips your head down to kiss this stone. By kissing the stone, one is suppose to receive the gift of eloquence. I kissed it but Mom declined. There is a picture of that Kodak moment. The end result was that by the time it was to fly back to Boston I really wasn't feeling well. This time my mom and I were seated together on the plane and I attempted to recline my seat. The woman seated behind me kept kicking my seat. Once again it was Mom to the rescue. Don't mess with someone who was raised in the Bronx and who loves her daughter. The woman did not just receive the mother look. She received a piece of my mother's mind.
By the time we landed in Boston I was pretty sick with laryngitis. So much for that "gift of eloquence." LOL I was expected by my family in Connecticut the next day. I was honestly too sick to drive back. I tried to call home. My 10 year old daughter answered the phone. By the sound of my voice, she thought it was an obscene phone call and kept hanging up. I finally had one of my brothers place the call.
The bottom line besides never receiving the gift of eloquence, my mother and I had 'thee" best time. I remember one night sitting up with her in a hotel, just talking and remarking to her that we were making wonderful memories together.
We had a neighbor from Ireland in my parent's neighborhood. During a neighborhood party, someone asked him, "When is the best time to go to Ireland?" His answer was "The sooner the better."
XOXOXO,
O'Duckie August 06 UH OH, DUCKIE HAD A GREAT NIGHT'S SLEEP,Oh my, this facility could be in trouble now. For the first time in over a year I had such a good night's sleep. I am more a woman with a mission. Before 10AM I had all of my reports form those silly committees written and approved by the other members on the committee. I just wrote the report myself as these so called committees never seemed to be able to meet. EEEEK! Or should I write, GRRRR?
I read one report to the other two committee members in earshot of some residents and a nurse. Their mouths dropped as I was more than forthright in my report. See, that's what happens when I sleep? We even have a break from the humidity today.
I camped out at social services office and refused to budge until I saw and spoke with someone. Gee they have such a talent for ducking out. I am determined that things will happen and get resolved TODAY! Let's put it this way, I will begin to do some packing today. If I am ever granted an exit interview, I am more than prepared for that. I really do want to see this place succeed, but they do need some "high functioning" patients to share their imput. Believe me, I would never want the job as administrator but they have to get their heads out of their....(no no no)out of the clouds.
Oh my, just now while typing this social services called my bedside phone. That never happens, but I left them with my number and announced to anyone who was in earshot that I expected some resolution to this ongoing mess "by the close of business hours" today. I should be out of here by this coming Thursday. Whoo! Hoo!! Once again I will not say were I will land as someone uninvited is watching this space, but it is good. To be honest, and I think you can read into by previous blogs, I had given up hope that this would ever be worked out. I will be safe and that is of great importance to me.
I wish I had one of my silly stories to share with you, but I am too revved up to think. Those that know me, know that they will come.
For right now, God's in His heaven and all is right with the (my) world. You, my space friends have really held my hand through this. Thank you does not sound like enough for me to say.
"And until we meet again, my God hold you in the palm of His hand."
XOXOXO,
Duckie August 04 THE DAY "LITTLE MISS PRIS" LEARNED A LIFE LESSONI believe that I have fessed up that I am not only a proper Bostonian, but was also a "Little Miss Pris."
Several years ago, I was asked by a friend to stand up as godmother for his last child. I happily accepted.
The day of the Christening arrives and I am so looking the part dressed in white with pink trim. Can you get any prissier that that? BTW I am still comfortable dressing that way, but I digress.
As luck would have it, I was running late that day. I was to meet the family at their home and then on to the church. I missed the family, but had a general idea as to where the church was.
I tried to find the church and was pretty much getting nowhere. As I am not a man, I did stop at a convenience store to ask for directions. Not one person knew just where I just needed to be. As I was leaving the store I noticed a biker gang. Come on Duckie, they are not a biker gang. They are just a number of bikers. I asked them if they knew where the church was and guess what? They did. Not only did they know where the church was, but I received a motor cycle escort to get me to the church on time. It was just too funny.
It really got me to thinking how I and I do believe others do prejudge.
I was teaching that year and my 8th graders were reading a short story about prejudging people. This was a very white bred, affluent, Catholic school. I was thinking after we read that story, "Eileen, you have an opportunity here." I shared my biker/Christening story with that class. They took in my every word with their mouths wide open.
I did not complete that year of teaching, but before I left I had the opportunity to ask that class what they had learned the most from me. Without skipping a beat, they all said that it was that little story I shared with them.
You know, if that is the only thing they learned from me, I am one happy woman. It took me to being fifty something to become aware just how much I did label people from time to time.
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There is a glimmer of light here at this facility, I fear that I cannot go into details as this space is being watched by someone with whom I do not want to share this information. Okay, cross your fingers, toes and eyes and send up a prayer.
Goodnight, my angels.
XOXOXO,
Duckie |
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